The Phone

Exhausted.

Flight had landed safely, but poorly. Which, almost scared me and caused me to heart attack. I wondered how other felt in that one minutes. The pilot himself should have felt it too. When the flight landed in that "proper" but skill-less way.

What did the baby felt? The one the mother carry tightly and gently in her arms when he's asleep? How did the old man feels? The one that sat behind of me. I cursed the pilot a bit, and cursed on Air Asia more. One thing is because of the flight-delay that often occur, second is the landing skill that is too "professional"! In a minutes I understand how does it feels if the plane crash and am dead inside been bury alive.

Life had been a little emo these few days.

Vacations is not a vacations.

Hypertension. I read it on the magazine left on the chair. I guess I have one. This, uncontrollable and unexpected disease. As I easily feel nervous, with heart pouding so fast I feel like could not breathe well in a second. Nelson said, maybe you have heart problem. What is that suppose to mean? He said maybe something like heart attack. Yes it will happen, even if is in this very young age nowadays.

The phone is ringing. The ring-tone keep on beeping. And the music is repeating.

The laugh and the tears had past.

The only thing I felt terribly sorry was because I'd lied.

First time in my life, I'd lied to 5 persons in, just a day.

The worst is, I broke my promises.

I shouldn't have promise them. And this is a so-mean Rose that appear only once in a while. With silence, with tears, with grief, with guilty, with regret....unforgivable. Apologize is no use at all, when he believed that I was facing with some kind of family crisis which force me to cancel my vacation and fly back home instantly, which is not, true. Is no use at all, I guess I will feel the guiltiness forever for the rest of my life, as I lied to the people who love me. And I had disappointed them and hurts them.

I did not mean to.

He called. He text-ed. He begged me, to call my mum again. I have no more persuasive word to express. What I left is my tears. And hell no, I can't stop it from dropping silently, on my lap. Wet up my face.

Gastric here. Shit. Pain.

Every mistake made, there's a lesson to be learn.

I won't repeat what I'd done to myself. No. No way. To let myself down like this, tired like this, and speechless like this.

I guess the wrong thing is that I choose to silent. Maybe I really should have talk face-to-face with her. But what done is done. There's no point to recall back. This is how I live my life. No points. Really. If this meant to change, perhaps both of us should. There's something we should aware of, but sometimes it seems like the happiness had cover it all and left us......brainlessly done something regret us with tears.

No points to recall back.

The phone is ringing. Phone calls from different parties. I even have to call to different people to explain the situation. Sound like an operator or a counselor. And it makes me with a sudden thinking-mind, told myself that, maybe I should switch my job. Learning something like, become a counselor? Ridiculous.

What use with maturity, when the one that you're dealing with did not understand your words? No use to force, no use to emphasize. When they're deaf, they really are. That is what I always say to mum. No use to repeat and waste your time, and saliva. They will change if they have the initial to. They would, even if is after the very first minutes you told them to.

Some one loves you that much. I thought you knew it.

I don't understand what is the fighting point between you and him. Why not talk to each other nicely and properly instead of yelling and forcing the other to listen to your words? One of you should step back, while the other should have calm down first before speaking is starts.I guess he did not expected that you will forgive him. And I do too, believe that you too won't have, even a piece of mind about, forgiving him. But there's one thing I know for sure.

He can't let go yet. Why? Think back why is this kind of situation usually will happen? Because they love you. They don't know how to lose you. They never think of losing you. So? So, they can't accept the fact that you're gone, and now that you're in a another affair or relationship.

Time will heal.

I said.

That's all I could say. I'm an outsider, so I won't comment so much.

Sometimes, it had to depends on yourself, to change, from bad to good.

I was bad too. Bad in, delivering the words in my heart especially when I was too depressed. Which was worse, when I dont even speak of the words that I should have to.

I. am. Terribly. Sorry.