Empty

I don't talk much anymore.Something happened, a long time ago.I don't remember when was it, maybe it was because I always choose to forget, all those pain memory, that's why I can't remember when.And I think, it was since then that I started to talk less, about my life.I'd been quiet, for quite a long time, long enough,til now I figured out I had always choose to shut up, than to called my best pal and speak it out loud.

Was it because I always press the mute button, my life become so silence, and peace from the outside, but noises everywhere, til I can't stop it, in the inside? I don't know. Whenever I feel want to go out, I get stuck in the doorway, 'cause there's no one I could look for to accompany me. I don't want to be alone.But I am. And I always are. My life was now, like a machine. Doing the same thing, repeat the same thing everyday. People were laughing, I was too, but I was alone. I don't called on the phone anymore. I don't sms anymore. It was like, I have no friend, at all.

I thought I get used to it. Since I always was alone, started from my childhood. I played alone, talked to my toys, alone.I listened to music on the radio, sang every song I knew. I knew I told myself that everything won't be the same as I grow up and make lots of friends. But, look around me. It was still the same. I was trapped. In the silence life that I'd build for myself.

Was it because I had too cautious when come to pick a friend? Or was it because I was too choosy? I seldom open the door for the new one to come in. I greet them, I smile back, I pour them tea...but I never open up my heart to accept them. They were merely a guest, come and go. And I get used to it. I let them go, and never expect they will come back again, to visit me. That's why, I was alone, wasn't it? 

And now, there only left three friends who know me well enough til I don't feel shame to cry in front of them. I love them and appreciated every memory I had with them. But sometimes, I still have to face everything, alone. I thought I get used to it, but.....day after day, it was like living in the nightmare, in the dark, it was empty.

I was empty. On the inside. Is so dark in here, and empty.